For Republicans: How to Talk to Your Democrat Relatives Without Damaging Your Family Relationships

A guest post from a dear friend

Note: The following is a guest post from a dear friend. I, personally, am neither Democrat, nor Republican. I am far-left on some issues, and far-right on others, but I think political parties are toxic, and I completely agree with Simone Weil who stated that all political parties should be abolished. I also think that if one is talking to friends or family, and they espouse an ignorant view, that Lawrentian rage, followed by the smashing of a plate over their head is a good solution, but maybe that is why I am so alone in the world. Certainly, there is a certain air of toxicity right now, and the following is one shot in the dark to heal what may be unhealable.

An older friend of mine (my age) has long been a Republican, as is his wife. The other day he called me for some advice on politics, knowing I am a lifelong Democrat. They had been invited to dinner with his wife’s daughter (from his wife’s first marriage) and her son-in-law—thus my friend’s in-laws, too. These younger (middle-aged) in-laws are Democrats, and my friend and his wife are worried that the divisiveness in our current political scene will make it difficult to talk about Trump, who they strongly dislike, without harmful repercussions. What is it about Trump that motivates Democrats to so strongly oppose him, he asked me, and how could they discuss politics with his wife’s daughter and son-in-law without disrupting their family relationships? This was my advice:

1. If someone asked me about why I was so strongly opposed to Trump being re-elected to another term, I might start listing things, but I might also ask: “Well, in view of his record last time, why are there still so many people who support his candidacy?” So maybe you should propose to listen patiently and respectfully to your daughter-in-law’s and her husband’s criticisms of Trump if they will reciprocate by listening to you and your wife explain why you like him. Try not to interrupt or dispute with them about any particular criticism. Just hear them out, 5-10-15 minutes, and request that they do the same for you and your wife.

2. Then see if there is anything they said, by way of criticism, that you might possibly agree with. “Well, yes, Trump does go too far when he talks about . . .  whatever . . . but he’s probably just ‘performing’ and shouldn't be taken so literally.” And see if they will comment on anything they might agree with in what you and your wife say about Trump’s good points (or the bad policies that Harris/Walz and Democrats in general would try to implement). For example, Trump may have his faults, but the alternative is too dangerous—a continuation of the failed economic and immigration policies of the Biden/Harris regime and supporting the ‘deep state’ of bureaucrats against innovative entrepreneurs.

3. So, what are the criticisms of Trump you might hear from a mainstream Democrat?

a) He is a liar. Maybe all presidents must lie to the public on occasion, and sometimes for good (security) reasons, but Trump lies about far, far too many things and often convinces his supporters of his lies.

b) He seems to be a con artist. He’s a good salesman and has good marketing skills, but most often seems to use those talents for his own benefit more than for protecting the public interest.  Thus, he can trick, deceive, and con people into thinking that he will truly look after and fight for their interests, but his record shows that he is often self-centered and only looks after himself.

c) He’s narcissistic and a megalomaniac, like many historic and contemporary autocrats in other countries.

d) He’s almost entirely “transactional.” Almost any effort he makes to help his constituents is performed because of something he wants or has received in return. He told leaders of the U.S. oil and gas industry that if they would support his campaign with a billion-dollar contribution, he would move heaven and earth to protect their business interests, even at the cost of putting the world’s environment and climate at greater risk.

e) He doesn’t respect the rule of law, the institutions of government, and acts as if he is exempt from any legal restraints on his actions. A recent Supreme Court decision recognized his immunity from legal accountability to a very large extent. When he lost the 2020 election, he lied about the existence of evidence of voter fraud that affected the ultimate outcome, persuaded many of his supporters of his lies, and has continued lying about it now for nearly four years. Rather than accept defeat, he schemed in several different ways to thwart the peaceful transfer of power—January 6 being the most publicly observed element of a very elaborate scheme.

There are lots of things wrong with our country. However, there are many things that nearly all Americans agree are problems that ought to be fixed, traditions and values that ought to be preserved, and we all hope that our future as a nation will be better, and that our children and grandchildren, and humanity as a whole will be better off.

For all of my life, there have been arguments about wars and international relations. Did we stay in Vietnam and Afghanistan too long? Did we really need to attack Iraq? Should women be free to have abortions as they decide, or should there be restrictions or prohibitions enforced by the government? Should free enterprises be free to run their businesses, even the very largest corporate entities, to earn the highest profits for their shareholders without unduly burdensome regulation and taxation? Is the public interest better served when government bureaucracies are created by Congress and authorized to impose effective regulations to protect consumers? Should Congress enact tax laws on the wealthy that preclude extreme consolidation of the country’s wealth in the hands of too few oligarchs?

For most of my life, Republican and Democratic government officials debated these issues, and often made compromises that may have pleased neither side completely, but were beneficial. Presidents made difficult decisions about international affairs and war, and most people respected those decisions, even if some were ultimately seen, in hindsight, as mistakes. The widening gap between Republicans and Democrats we are experiencing now may have started while Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich were in power and ramped up under Obama. But Trump's arrival seemed to have greatly accelerated the divisiveness.

There are risks in attempting to have this conversation with your family. No matter how tactful and well-meaning the both of you are, they may not be so controlled. And a few harsh words from them may bring out harsh words from you or your wife. Relationships could be damaged for a long time. You might be better off talking about family matters that you all have an interest in, sports or weather, and avoiding politics. But, even if you choose that safer route, they may open the subject of Trump's candidacy, and you should be prepared to engage with them with respect, love, and patience.

I am moved, almost to tears, by the fact that you were willing to ask me for advice on this sensitive matter. As I said on the phone, I think it is a good sign—a good sign that many in this country are still open to “reaching across the aisle” and looking for ways to discuss political issues openly and without rancor.  If you can do it, others can too.  And the fact that you are willing to listen to my advice on this is a good sign that many other Americans are now ready to try to restore civility and mutual respect in our ideas and conversations about politics.

Life-Long Friend (and Democrat)